What Would You Do Wallpaper

What Would You Do?

What would you do if you found out you were sick, of which there is no cure?
Would you tell your family or carry the burden alone?  By remaining silent would you not spare them the stress of knowing they are going to lose you?  Would you not want them to live life as they have been, enjoying what little time you have or would you be treated differently because they know what is to come?
By that point, would you live your life differently or would you continue on until you could go no further?  Would you take risk you never would have before?  Would you live your life or a life you never knew?
Honestly, what would you do?

Lonely

Hurricane Season

When it's hurricane season Mother Nature creates storms so massive they destroy lives in a matter of seconds. They start out of nowhere and there is no way to prevent them from forming.

From Thanksgiving to Valentine's Day is Hurricane Season for people with live with depression. No one knows why but the holidays hits them hardest.

If you know someone with depression please keep this in mind. They will not tell you nor will they show it, so as not to ruin the holidays for you. They will suffer in silence.

An extra hug, words of encouragement, saying “I love you,” can make a huge difference. It only takes a few seconds. 

Originally written on November 16, 2015

Her Footprints

One night I dreamed a dream.

I was walking along the beach with my Lord.

Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,

One belonged to me and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

There was only one set of footprints.

I realized that this was at the lowest

And saddest times of my life.

This always bothered me

And I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.

“Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You

You would walk and talk with me all the way

But I’m aware that during the most troublesome times of my life,

There is only one set of footprints,

I just don’t understand why, when I need You the most,

You leave me.”

He whispered, “My precious child, I love you

And will never leave you, never, ever,

During your trials and testings

When you saw only one set of footprints,

It was then that I carried you.”

The year I lived with my grandmother she had this poem, so famously printed over surf and sand, hanging in the one place where everyone in the house would see it, the restroom.  Everyone went there and everyone read it before they left the room.  It was a constant reminder for our day to day lives.

When I came back home to Texas this poem followed me.  My mother had a copy of the same picture hanging in our restroom.  Bookmarks of it were everywhere and I had one as well.  Every time I would read it, I would think of my grandmother and all that she taught me.

But just like footprints in the sand, the surf of time would slowly erase the prints.  This happened when my grandmother took her last breath.

I was not fortunate enough to spend as much time with my grandmother as some of my other cousins did but I can recall all the time that I did.  There was so much strength, so much wisdom in this tiny lady, and she shared it with everyone.

Discipline was never lacking in my family.  Whoppins and scoldings were plenty.  Even at the end of her life I witnessed this when she was talking to one of my cousins.  That fire burned bright when she scolded her for picking on her younger brother.  I smiled and laughed and that fire was directed at me for laughing at my cousin, burning me like when I was a teen, but this time I was grateful for it.

“I’m sorry grandma,” was my reflex response, but the reason for my sorrow was not what it once would have been.  I was sorry for I knew I would never hear those scoldings words of wisdom again.  I just stood up from the table, gathered the dirty dishes and gave her a kiss on her cheek before heading to the kitchen sink.

I can remember ever whoopin I received from her.  Every spoon, every flip flop, and every switch beating I took for my misactions.  Every scolding that followed those disciplines.  I may have been a large young man, but I was never too old to be whooped, as long as she had the strength to do it.

At the time each discipline had always been filled me with fear.  Now, I smile and laugh as I can feel my grandmother’s warmth and love with each stroke of discipline.

Now I know that when times are hard, when the floodgates of grief open up over missing her wash over me, I can read this poem and know she is with me.  Her footprints will always be with me.

Scariest Place On Earth

 

Alone with my thoughts is the scariest place on Earth.

To Caregivers

For you caregivers out there, when you find yourselves frustrated and say, “I don’t understand.  I don’t know how to help you,” just remember, for those of us living with depression, neither do we.

While there are deeper emotions and darker demons I am fighting, my own personal monster as it were, what I am about to describe is a generic base of how most people with depression feel.  Take from it what you will.

What must be understood, is that what goes up must come down and that includes us.  It’s nothing you or I did, it just is.

While I was driving home from work I was on a high, happy, singing in my vehicle at the top of my lungs like Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire.  It’s ironic that the song he was singing is titled Free Falling because that’s what happened next.

A car pulled up next to me at a red light, close to my home.  The woman was wearing a gallon of perfume because the smell drifted in the rain soaked air toward me.

BOOM!

Without warning a memory triggered, then another, then another.  The next thing I knew I came crashing down to Earth, with no way to brace myself.

In the span of a literal second I managed to not only crash but to bury deep underground, the impact causing my world to collapse around me.

I couldn’t see, my eyes were liquefied with tears.

I couldn’t breathe, the air being sucked out of my body as I began to ache all over.

The pain became so great that as the light changed I had to pull over to the side of the road and park.

The monster deep inside began to crawl out, saying the key words that weaken me and makes it easier for it to take over.

“You’re the true monster.  You’re worthless.  You’re not good enough.”  And the ever glass shattering, “No one loves you.”

Thoughts of ending it all did cross my mind but those were just that, thoughts, and not actions.  I’ve learned long ago that I am not strong enough to follow through with those actions.  I will always cower out.

Make no mistake, it takes true strength to follow through.  For you caregivers, be thankful if your love one is too weak not to complete the act, if they were not they would be gone.

I made the effort to slowly make it home.  Inside I was still dying and there was nothing anyone could do about it.  I just have to wait for my storm to pass.

So don’t give up on us, caregivers, for we are all weathering this storm together.

Cursed Blessing

To know

your true worth,

or rather

worthlessness,

is truly a blessing,

or rather,

a curse.