Help Me Please

I have joined a team with The Walk for Mental Health Awareness Houston. If I reach my goal of $500 I promise to walk the entire 3k distance, however long it takes me. I am trying to raise money to raise awareness for those who live with Mental Issues.

For the lack of a better term I am using “Mental Issue,” M.I. for short, as a blanket term to describe what we have and deal with on a daily basis. I want to use “Issue” because I don’t want to call it an “Illness.”
Illness, to me anyway, implies that it can be cured, it’s something that you caught and didn’t have before. It’s a part of us, it’s in our DNA, and it’s something we didn’t choose to have but something we live with on a daily basis.
When our M.I. kicks in it’s called “An Episode.” An Episode of what? Are we a sitcom or drama that people sit back and watch? While it may certainly feel this way for non M.I.s, for those of us going through said “episode” it feels more like a storm. Comes on with little to no warning. A lot of huffing and puffing, with loud crashes of thunder. For this reason I will refer to them as Storms and not “Episodes.”
By talking we can begin healing and understanding on both sides. Ask questions and listen to the answers, don’t judge, don’t speak, just listen.

Here you can see that you are not alone, there are others who can truly relate to what you are going through.

You do not have to live in Houston to donate. If you or someone you know has a mental issue please help with whatever you can.  Thank you for helping me support this worthy cause.

https://secure.qgiv.com/event/account/371499/

Madness

In the darkness

Alone I sit.

Decending into the madness

Just for a bit.

 

I close my eyes
No difference it makes.
Soon the madness
Over me it takes.

 

Cold I feel
As I begin to cry.
It's the madness
Causing my sigh.

 

I don't want
To be left alone.
I fear the madness
And the places it roams.

 

Save me
I beg of you.
Don't let the madness
Do what it will do.

In Your Head

What do you do,
You can’t stay in bed.
How do you run from,
What is in your head?
 
My demons call to me,
I’ve heard what’s been said.
How do you run from,
What’s in your head?
 
The dark thoughts
They are easily fed.
How do you run from,
What’s in your head?
 
I’ve fought
And I’ve bled.
How do you run from,
What’s in your head?

I’m so tired,
Thin I’ve been spread.
How do you run from,
What’s in your head?
 
I don’t want to lose,
I’m afraid of my deathbed.
Answer me please,
How do you run from what’s in your head?

- Max M Power

My Civil War

“When you go dark, you really go dark.”
“What part of evil don’t you understand?”

“But you’re so nice every day.”
“That’s how I hide in plain sight.”

“You’re just saying that, joking again.”
“No, it’s what monsters do.”

“You are not a monster.”
“See, I have you fooled.

“I will hurt you, I will destroy your soul.
I am true evil, disguised as an angel.”

“I don’t believe you, I can’t.”
“Believe what you want but it’s who we truly are.”

“I am nothing like you.”
“You ARE me!”

- Max M. Power

My Semicolon

The Semicolon Tattoo is a movement that is supposed to symbolize your life is not over, your story is still being written.  For a writer this has multiple meaning for me.

When you see someone with a tattoo it means either they have or a loved one has attempted suicide at one point in their life.  There are many out there, many people share.  This, however, is mine.

The colors are the colors of the Joker.  He lives in chaos, he embraces his madness and his madness is my own. 

Purple is for power, creativity, wisdom, dignity, grandeur, devotion, pride, mystery, independence, and magic, of this there is no lacking.

Red is the color of fire and blood.  It is associated with energy, war, danger, strength, power, determination, passion, desire, and love. It is a very emotionally intense color.

Green is for prosperity, freshness, and progress.  The healing comes from this.

Blue is for trust, loyalty, wisdom, confidence, intelligence, faith, truth, and heaven. It’s another path to healing, balancing out the chaos of purple and red.

The yin yang is for the struggle inside of me, trying to balance life, the light with the darkness.  It’s the point that keeps me grounded or can send me to the edge.

The 4 points are like that of a compass.  It helps to guide me back to the center point of balance and keeps me on course in my life.

Finally, I choose four semicolons instead of just one to remind me of the four times in my life that I’ve attempted it.  The four times I’ve succumbed to the darkness and nearly ended it all.  To remind myself to never go there again.

I have always been afraid to tell anyone of these times, but silence does nothing to help myself or others.  Silence does not allow me or others to heal.  My demons are mine to battle and each conflict is far from easy.

“I am so tired,

Yet sleepless still,

These demons inside me

I’ve tried to kill,

Yet each stroke I take,

My own blood I spill.”

Spill no more, spill no more.

The Lie I Tell Myself

The lie I tell myself
"I am not insane."
A dark laughter soon follows
As my demons pull me close.

They hold me tight
There is no escape,
As they whisper in my ear
"You belong to us."

"No," I scream
But I can not fight them.
My world grows dark
Frost is in the air.

"Finally,
You are one of us.
A devil, a demon,"
Choas is all that remains.

A dark laughter fills the air
The voice is my own.
The lie, I tell myself,
"I am not insane."
- Max M. Power

My Demons

My demons may try to kill me but they know me better than anyone and will never leave me. - Max M. Power

* Rarely will I use someone else's pictures without permission but whomever wrote this described it perfectly.  I hope they don't mind I shared it with the world.

So I Lie

You ask if I’m okay,
While inside I want to die,
But I long to see you smile,
So I lie.

“I’m fine.”
But inside my heart cries.
You deserve you to be happy,
So I lie.

You laugh, you smile,
When you’re not looking I sigh.
I need to hide my pain,
So I lie.

The truth hurts too much,
I can’t say goodbye.
I put on a happy face,
Fooling everyone as I lie.
- Max M. Power

Drowing

I feel like I’m drowning.  I can not breathe.  I’m not really hungry.  I have no real energy and I can not even steal energy from anyone.  I feel dark and cold inside.  I feel alone.

Try as I might I can not shake how I feel.  I hate myself, not for how I feel but how it makes those around me feel.  That hatred turns into anger and it’s directed at myself.

I feel like no one knows how I feel, even though I know that’s not true.  If I was strong I could shake this but that’s just it, I’m not strong.  I cry, I weep, I am dead weight.

Like any dead weight I bring those around me into my abyss.  If I do not cut the tether that binds them to me I bring them a sentence of pain and suffering.

As I sink into the abyss my hand reaches out.  The light grows dimmer the further down I fall deep into myself.  Medication will not work on me, I have tried.  It’s a death trap for my mind and soul.  Numb by pills or by pain of my own torment, either way inside I am dead and gone.

Dāsu Rōnin

I am Dāsu Rōnin.  I have no code, no honor.  I am a slave with no master and a master with no slave.  Each life I live I must suffer with the pains of loss for I am forbidden seppuku.  Seppuku is reserved for samurai, warriors with honor, of which I have none. 

My soul is dark, my heart is cold, the evil inside is pure.   I do not run from a fight but I will destroy those who oppose me.  For this reason I must hide my true self.

I say this as a warning to all that I meet.  I am to wonder an eternity in this way for I am Dāsu Rōnin.